I've referred often on this blog to the invasive grief I've been dealing with ever since Ronnie was diagnosed. Looking back at what I've written during those dark months, I realized that even when I didn't mention it, the over all mood of most my posts was sad.
I had a conversation with my cousin about memories and grief. He pointed out how grief changes the way we feel about our memories and as we heal we reconnect with our memories and are more able to enjoy them.
The philosophy I subscribe to says that we create and attract what we live through our emotional vibrational output. According to this line of thought, what goes around really does come back around, but it isn't due to Karma, but to the simple law of attraction -- that which is similar is drawn.
It also says that the Universe doesn't detect any difference in the emotional vibrational output of what we feel and what we pretend we feel -- so it's imperative during dark moments and times to spend a few minutes each day "pretending" or "daydreaming" about better times to come.
So knowing this, I have been fairly dedicated to getting up each morning and counting my blessings and pretending that I feel good, telling myself I am healthy and that all is well, life is good. This philosophy promises that if you can do this every day for thirty days, you'll start seeing the benefits of it.
I got up early on my day off, Tuesday, because my friend Monica was coming for coffee. Then I was going to run down to Mineral Wells to see Deidre, Seth, and my boys, Ronnie and Cuddles. Sitting on my bed, writing out my blessings, I felt different than usual, not down looking for an up. After closer examination, I realized that the sadness is gone. I can feel the joy in my heart again.
I'm not saying that I'm "over" or "through" the grieving process, or that I won't have sadness again, because there is so much about Ronnie's passing that I can't deal with yet, but feeling the way I do right now assures me that I will feel better all the time -- soon.
For the first time since August 18, 2010, I know I'm going to be okay.
"Like a roller in the ocean, Life is motion ...Like a wind that's always blowing, life is flowing ... Like a sunrise in the morning, life is dawning ... How I treasure every minute, being part of it, being in it, with the urge to move on..." Abba