|A beautiful evening sky|
I noticed many years ago at work, when I picked up an order with a lot of detail written on it, my mind just kind of shut down. All of a sudden I couldn't make heads nor tails out of all that information. I feel the same way when I'm trying to read and follow instructions in a manual.
It has evolved to the point that if it looks complicated, I'm not going to even try it. In one way, that feels like I'm an easy quitter. In another, it feels like my natural instinct is to take the path of least resistance.
The thought process goes something like this "I could put this there and that over there. No that won't work because that is there, but if I put this in the garage -- but look how dirty that is and the garage is already a mess because I haven't finished in there yet."
So I go back to the garage which right now is an accumulation of tools and ladders and boxes and crap I don't know what to do with and lawn maintenance tools. One look and I say, "F*** it. I'll do it later."
I keep forgetting to remind myself that I don't have to do it all today. Just make some progress occasionally and some day soon, it'll all be done.
Deidre says she has the same problem in Seth's room. She bought a bed for him at Ikea not long after Ronnie passed on. It can be set up with the bed at the top like a bunk bed or flipped over and have the bed on the floor. Right now the bed is at the top and it has become a container for stuffed animals (and anything I don't want him to play with for a while. There's so much stuff up there, if I throw it to the back, it probably won't be found until the next time she flips the bed over, which she does ever so often because neither position is ideal).
Now, she wants to flip the bed and put it on the bottom but she can't decide what to do with all those stuffed animals while she cleans and organizes the bottom part.
|sunset at Lake Arrowhead 11/2014|
Eventually we do get things done but maybe we both have AAADD (acquired adult attention deficit disorder).
I've always been this way to a certain extent. It drove Ronnie nuts to be home when I was cleaning house. He could focus on one chore for hours. When he decided to clean house, he'd focus on one room -- usually the kitchen and by the time he finished, you'd be hard pressed to find a speck of dirt or grease anywhere.
But he spent the entire day in one room. No laundry, no vacuuming, except in the kitchen. To top it off, the kitchen was so clean, I could feel him daring me to splatter one drop of grease on his clean stove -- for days afterward.
There I discover the dryer full of dry clothes which need to be folded and hung up so I can put the wet clothes I'd washed the night before in the dryer - all before I can wash the sheets. At some point, I remember I have to make my bed, so I get clean sheets out of the closet and take them to the bedroom.
When I start putting the clean sheets on the bed, I see dust bunnies on the floor on Ronnie's side so I pull out the vacuum cleaner. I also find a glass on his side of the bed that needs to go to the kitchen, so I head in the direction of the kitchen. On my way through, I notice hand and nose prints on the patio door so I get glass cleaner and clean the door. Then I notice the kitchen window needs it, too, so I move everything out of the window and clean it. All this time and I still haven't made the bed.
As I said, I eventually get it all done.
Some days, feeding the dogs feels like an insurmountable chore. So does making birdie bread which I do about every 6 days. That's making a mountain out of a molehill for sure.
|Winter sky on Thacker's Trail|
I'm figuring it all out through. I'm going with the flow of things around here and as I identify them, I'm letting go of old beliefs, old habits of thought -- such as "it's important to get things done!"
Uh, no it's not. In the grand scheme of things, this stuff doesn't even register a blip.